My Tongue Has Teeth

By now I’m sure that all the people that read my blog (all 4 of you) have caught on to the fact that I am a very big fan of the Alien series of movies. I’m also sure that all of you (the same 4 I was addressing earlier) are tired of me referencing this series and would probably proceed to hang yourselves if you were to read another. If that is the case, then you should exit out of this browser and go back to playing Neopets or using Facebook or WHATEVER it was you were doing before you came here, because this series is about to get reference’d to death, as It is the main topic for this blog post.
The series itself isn’t necessarily what I love so much (except maybe the 2nd movie, which, to this day, remains my favorite monster movie of all time), but what entrances me about it is the basis of the series. That is, the aliens. I’ll have many who disagree, but I can honestly say that I think that the aliens are THE scariest movie monsters in the history of ever. I'll have many that disagree (only 4 of which that read my blog) and will give me reasons why Godzilla or Count Chocula is a much scarier monster, but my response to that is: how many of your monsters bleed acid? This is just one of the many things that make the aliens so terrifying, but it's as good a place as any to start.
The general theme of monster movies tends to be this: monster(s) get(s) loose, person/people isn't/aren't okay with it, so they want it/them dead. These movies usually end with the monster(s) dying, because it's a bad thing when they're alive. But what if them being dead also causes you a great amount of pain? This was also something I liked about the Predator, the Alien's spiritual brother: when they knew they were going to die, they set off a bomb that could wipe out an entire rain forest. But the aliens still have one up on them, because the predator would have to be ALIVE to set the bomb off. The moment any protagonist(s) in the alien movie(s) shoots the alien(s) in the movie(s), the alien(s) bleed(s) acid blood all over the movie protagonist(s) and they DIE.
I could list all of the alien's other horrifying features, such as a razorblade-like tail, claws that can rend metal, a mandible'd tongue with which they can lodge holes in the heads of victims, offspring that they force down your throat and rip out through your chest after feasting on your heart, and the ability to sprint across walls and leap farther than the world's strongest cheetah, but I don't need a whole page to tell you why they're AWESOME.
The general appearances of the aliens are scarier than most monsters as well. Sure, The Thing (my close number 2 scariest movie monster of all time) was pretty freaking creepy, but it never looked too scary, and it more-so has the appearance of a victim of some odd combination of leprosy and gangrene. The aliens, on the other hand, are creatures that are blacker than night and can camouflage anywhere so long as it's dark. That means you can never have any clue where they're hiding unless you have night vision, and by the time you finally DO spot them they've already spotted you, called their friends and are already feasting on your pancreas before you can say "Wow, Eddie was right, these ARE the scariest movie monsters in the history of ever!"
Let me compare the aliens to some other movie monsters and tell you why they're scarier:

Godzilla and King Kong: These guys are big, but you can SEE their butts easily enough, making it all the easier to shove nuclear missiles up there. The aliens are smaller, but that makes them agile and swifter, with the ability to crawl through ventilation shafts and stalk upon a single victim.

The Blob: While it was able to ooze over and eat anything, but if you turn thermostat below 60 degrees it dies. The aliens need to be set on fire. If they don't die, they just become extremely pissed off. WHILE on fire.

Miley Cyrus: ...

You can argue all you want about why I'm wrong, but you know what? I- OH MY GOD ONE IS IN MY ROOM IT'S EATING MY LEG AAAGGGHHHhaha did I get you?

The Monster Slayer

Last night, I had a dream. I had what might just have been the awesomest dream I’ve ever had. In fact, I think I could go as far as to say it’s the awesomest dream anyone’s ever had. I shall explain this dream in vivid detail. Or not-so-vivid. It’s 11 in the morning and I’m kinda groggy.

I was at my high school. I was being a good little student, sitting next to my gay friend Sarah and listening to the teacher. Then I turned to her and said something that would change my life forever:

“I’m bustin’ outta here.” I dashed out of the classroom as she followed close behind, trying to change my mind. We went down a hallway unfamiliar to me, and we were lost. Panicked, I opened the nearest door, praying that it was a way out. The room was pitch black, and there was no light switch to be found as I crept my hand along the wall. I heard a growling. Horrible, awesome growling. We turned and fled without so much as closing the door behind us.

Somehow, we found our way back to the hallways of the school we actually knew. We didn’t bother going to class (‘cause this is supposed to be an awesome dream and you don’t go to school in awesome dreams) but decided instead to roam the strangely unmonitored hallways, waiting for the bell to ring. Then there was screaming. A lot of screaming.

The hallways were flooding with terrified students in less than half-a-minute. My ears occasionally picked up the word “monster” being thrown around here and there. I looked behind at Sarah, who, judging by the look on her face, was thinking the same exact thing I was. We turned and sped down the English hallway, thinking the source of the commotion was coming from there. Much to my dismay, it was. Standing there, staring at me, was one of the monsters from my beloved Aliens series of movies (probably only known to you because of Aliens vs Predator).

We hastily jumped through the nearest door and slammed it behind us. In the room were three other students I did not know. The monster started fiddling with the doorknob and trying to push its way through. We all came close together and pushed against it, hugging each other and praying it would get bored. Then it came to my attention that I was in my Creative Writing room. It also came to thought that my Creative Writing teacher is a mad woman. She is a mad woman who keeps a sword in her closet. I turned to one of the younger students.

“Go get the sword.” I said to him. He nodded and rushed off. The alien was pushing through the door, its strength far superior to ours. I slid across the floor as it started poking its head through the doorway. The other guy who’s not as important as me rushed to my side and handed me my sword. The alien’s head was fully through the doorway now, and was looking at me. I slashed the sword upwards, missing because of the awkward angle. The alien clawed against my cheek, leaving a mark. I slashed again, accidentally cutting my eyebrow. The alien snapped its jaws at me, missing by only a mere inch. It had half of its body through the doorway, and reared back its head, opened its jaws, and let out a bloodcurdling screech as it prepared to go for the kill. Its head launched downward to snap at my face, but my reflexes were too fast. I jabbed the sword upward, through its head, and backed away, trying to avoid its acid blood. I pulled the sword out.

I ran out into the hallway, beholding a sickening sight: the aliens were everywhere, feasting on my fellow classmates. But I did see a couple guys that really annoyed me. That improved my mood drastically.

I bolted down the hallway, swinging my sword and destroying the beasts as I went. I was unstoppable. Every alien who crossed my path was one that would never have the chance to do so again. I lifted my head and screamed, “I. AM. THE MONSTER SLAYER!!!” In front of me, was the alien queen. I raised my sword and made a dash at her, and-

Then I woke up.